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Hell Points at Home — Summoned Demons Review Tasteless Movies on DVD



Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (2008)

Summary: Half of a Sutherland, same old Feldman; same dead plot.
Warnings: "R" for the obvious, pervasive off-screen drug use of Angus Sutherland
Hell Points: 1/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

The demons are creatures that know how to wait. 1987 introduced the world to a fairly decent "21 Jumpstreet meets Bram Stoker" vampire flick, The Lost Boys. If you're not into cars, fashion sense, or Americana, 1987 was a good year.

Keifer Sutherland still had some hair, he played a young pre-emo emo tough guy nicely, and he'd not yet ruined his career. The demons wish to let fans of "24" in on a little hellish secret: Keifer's career never recovered after Young Guns 2. And it never will.

Though he has no career, it's safe to say Angus Sutherland's career was also ended by a Keifer sequel, The Lost Boys: The Tribe, which the demons will get to momentarily, except there's little to say. Corey Feldman is back. His career, as such, also ended with the first of the Lost Boys, though the demons give a nod to his exceptional performance in Meatballs 4.

Right, to the movie. Two siblings show up on a beach, go to a party, and one gets steamy with a she-vampire while the other hits the blood bottle. Neither show any sense, and the demons wished for their demise for another hour and more. It takes 30-45 minutes to get this far, the demons considered vacuuming the floor of hell and reading the captions

Except there were no captions, and the voices were either dubbed or intentionally left 1-2 seconds behind the lip movements of the cast. The demons are fine with captions and foreign movies, hell hath no boundaries, but English over-dubbing of English-speaking actors, and it not matching, is flat weird.

Fans of the Goonies or the first Lost Boys movie would possibly cheer the screen time of Edgar - not Eddie! - Frog, this being Mr. Corey Feldman, but the demons couldn't help but notice a 40-yr-old beach bum surfboard shaper (and vampire hunter) was slightly pathetic. That, and Corey has been dining on gravel, glass shards, and cigarettes since 1987. Or perhaps his part was dubbed-in by Nick Nolte. Never know with modern technology.

The demons finished picking up their little piece of hell and suffered eternal torment as predictably "I hope this was an indie film" scenes flew past. Angus expounds on the "whoa" lifestyle of living forever, though something like 20 vampires have been killed younger than they'd have lived to be as humans in this little burg, but hey, Angus was just reading the script. Literally. Slowly. Lots of bong smoke stinging the eyes.

There are sex scenes. They were so bad the demons writhed. There are rat rod cars, or car, which got about a minute of time. And the vampires looked like vampire (more than teeth) for all of a minute of film.

Ah yes the plot. So the sister is a half vampire unless the head vampire - no Angus, not you! - is killed before she feeds. If you cannot guess the rest, the demons recommend you ask the nurses' station and/or warden for a copy of this one.

Because bad movies, acting, and plots never die.

Vampires do. Casually impale them one by one, simple as pie.

A demon who does not wish to invoke his real name three times has a statement to make:

You are our food, mortals! We do not die on antlers! We do not disembowel ourselves openly in public and consider this maintaining a low profile! We do not feed upon 20-30 people in a small community on a daily basis for the same reason!



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