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Hell Points at Home — Summoned Demons Review Tasteless Movies on DVD



Tooth and Nail (2007)

Summary: Proving you don't need a budget to make a crappy post-apocalyptic movie with... Michael Madsen?
Warnings: "Unrated" because the MPAA never heard of this one. Executive Producer: Michael Madsen (demonic laughter)
Hell Points: 4/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

Remember kids, Demon Reviews are filled with lies and deception: this movie is awesome!

Writer-director-editor and presumably caterer and gaffer Mark Young hired as many actors as the After Dark budget allowed, this being "six" plus some extras that include Michael Madsen (demonic laughter again), and Mark produced a bleak movie about the end of the world, or rather, about post-apocalyptic survival after the end of the world, though given the final survivor count, maybe Tooth and Nail is both.

The initial montage and voice-over does its best to turn away any die-hard fans of the 8 Films to Die For franchise, and since further expository yammering is required to explain away the budget (lack of people), the first half hour does a good job finishing off any final lingering potato couches... but then it gets better. Nowhere else to go, eh?

Right, so the entire world killed itself in 2012 when crude oil stopped flowing. We blame demons! The movie blames... experts. Plus one to demons!

A bunch... err, a handful, err, six... people have survived in Philadelphia, which doesn't look like... oh, whatever. They are hiding in a hospital awaiting demolition, or so the audience presumes, it's a decent set considering. Two of them go off a-huntin' with a compound bow, a rifle, and no apparent experience with either. They find that Will Smith has decimated the local game populations, nor is there a Shelby Mustang to be found. Blast!

But then they "hear something" the lapel microphones miss (hell points added for captions, a necessary luxury here), and they find a guy lying in a pool of red corn syrup - sustenance!

The corn syrup, obviously, the cannibal ran around the corner. Also around the corner is a blonde gal who asks for help, corn syrup was her boyfriend. Sniffle. Inefficient cannibals! Being hardened veterans of survival with a stated limit on hospital rations, the good guys bring her back to the hospital.

Truly awful acting ensues, but it's debateable as to whether a script was given to anyone, so the demons endure. They are used to suffering. Though not quite this much. The most annoying "and let us rebuild!" character, presented as smart because he is called the Professor, and Darwin, and has a beard, gets himself slaughtered in the men's room, which brought on the first lusty cheers from the demon seats.

Oh and some other person (unpaid number seven) had disappeared, too. Note: next time give them a script. But back to the beloved Professor! Only corn syrup remains, a tasty clue to Professor Darwin's current state of health when discovered. The demons are introduced — forgive the order, the demons were snacking — to the main characters, which include Leelee Sobieski's stunt double, Newt from Aliens, and some hairy little guy named Rider Strong (talking real life here people, his name is "Ford" in the movie).

Mr. Strong deserves credit (were there credits?) for being in other truly horrifying situations, namely a guest appearance on the Rosie O'Donnell show in 1999. Demons everywhere applaud his professional growth in the interim. Better death than that. Oops, or not.

The demons are bored. Kill someone! The movie hears the calls of the fallen angels. Michael Madsen dies, eardrums ruptured by a track and field starter pistol. The demons are appeased. It is not revealed why the cannibals do not eat their own, Michael looks to dress out at 90+ pounds of good eatin' - so they take a scrawny Latino guy from the hero column and roast him off-screen. On screen, they eat some BBQ short ribs from the last operational Chinese restaurant in Philly. Nummy.

Things are predictable at this point, which means it's no fun crying "spoiler alert" — suffice to say Newt gets one line, her only spoken word, "Retard!" which is either directed at the audience of demons (too late Newt, we knew this 60 minutes ago), or possible at the Australian "seen him in other crappy movies" she'd ingeniously trapped in a refrigeration unit. Thank goodness the power's off, he'd get so cold, it would be... cold!

Most of the hell points are awarded for the final scenes, which kill a dozen or so extras and "major" characters, one of whom is dispatched with an arrow that almost sticks in his eye! The blunt trauma to his cornea kills the "Rover" instantly, whew. Acid also gets to play, and the demons giggle at what it does (liquefies, don't go playing in hospital cabinets, children) instantly to a latex, we mean, a human face. It then turns the human latex face into an elastic-strap Halloween mask of burned Skeletor flesh in a cutaway. And yes, of course she leaves the rest of the bottles of this miracle acid on the shelf and runs away. Run LeeLee Run!

LeeLee's nose double goes Rambo and spends twice the time it would take to gut, spit, and sear Newt into sashimi (she has been captured) in painting herself in stylized triangles of black camouflage. Women! She ignores the worthless rifle and acid, but takes the bow and bounce-off arrows, a track and field starter pistol, and (eventually) commandeered clubs-with-spikes (demons love that stuff) and it's... Showtime! Without the trademark, movie channels have standards that demons do not.

The end. Unless you want to watch (you do not) the "bonus feature" of the Miss Horrorfest 2007 uh, reality TV... episodes.

What the...? Add a Hell Point, suddenly the movie looks better. The demons voted for corn syrup or the vampire gal.

The demons are not good at predicting outcomes.

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